“Gross dad, do you mean you and mom have had sex more than once? That’s disgusting!”
“What those are for dad?”
Parents who bath with their kids are asking for trouble.
My own advice to any parents with young kids is as follows:
Never bath together. Ever. No matter how young they are.
Instil a Victorian sense of decorum to anything bathroom related.
Being naked in a bath with three year olds leads to all sorts of awkward questions:
What those are for dad?
Easy one buddy, they are Dad’s (reasonably good looking) nuts.
This quickly goes down hill as the dreaded pre-curser gets asked: “What are they for?”
Soon you are at a dead end -“How do dads get the seeds into moms?”
This is when you submerge to rinse off the shampoo.
Seven years olds also can get their facts awkwardly mixed up, a few years ago, our now ten year old proudly understood that at birth the woman’s body had all the eggs she would use in her lifetime stored up and ready for release.
This was three decades sooner than her father understood this.
She also, via her mother and school, had a broad understanding that there was an act called sex.
However, she was under the impression that the mother got “topped up” once by the father, and in the same way eggs were regularly released, so too were the all important seeds.
One top up and you were good to go.
(A point that mothers the world over probably wish was true, no doubt.)
She was aghast to realise one day, after learning this was not the case and counting her siblings, that her parents had had sex at least three times.
With a disgusted face, she cringed out, “Gross dad, do you mean you and mom have had sex more than once? That’s disgusting!”
She was pretty upset about this. Her mother is probably starting to see it that way too.
(What the hell did she think they had done to earn an hour of TV with treats on Sunday mornings?)
Anyway, no more of this I should think.
Living in a rural area for a year has cleared all this up.
Our kids have now seen penises in all shapes and sizes.
Penises no longer raise the slightest interest.
Bulls, donkeys, mules and horses seem to live in a constant state of readiness.
My kids have seen goats, dogs, and even sheep having sex.
Cats on heat prowl around all night.
Chickens might be quick and forgo foreplay, but even they appear on the penis radar.
“Dad, the rooster is mating with Pamela Anderson (this is our chicken Pamela Anderson, and not THE Pamela Anderson), and her bum is all open and everything”
Gorgeous.
Followed by my then five year old daughter asking, “Shame, isn’t that sore?”
I am not kidding you when I tell you that when we were playing “the cloud game” a while ago, when one of my wife’s offspring said, “Look at that cloud, it looks like two goats mating”
More positive teaching comes in the form of the chickens and their eggs.
One of our chickens had 11 chicks hatch while the other hen, Mr Snuffles (hey, the kids chose the names), had been sitting on another 12 eggs for the past two weeks, and these also started hatching. This was very exciting and the kids made a lot of trips to the coop to check on progress, and at one stage we brought an egg inside for them to watch it hatch on the bed.
All very educational.
All good.
Also, with so many cute calves, sheep, goats and foals around, they are getting a very rounded and positive education.
One low point of note.
We had a very old decrepit dog called Sedgwick. Who smelled of faeces.
That is not the low point in itself.
The fact that we twice caught him trying to mate with our very startled six month old kitten, Cheetah was far more concerning.
It really happened.
I think this could safely be described as the low point in any dog’s life.
“Dad! Dad! Sedgwick is mating with cheetah”
And by golly gosh, so he was.
We even had time to get a photo to prove it.
This is sex education you can’t get in any school.
And I think I can safely assume that I will never have to broach the Birds & the Bees again.
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